Friday, February 4, 2011

Sanity....escaping...

My friend Em was in town last weekend to visit and seek out adventures in the greater D.C. with yours truly.  She and I go back to sometime senior year of college(2004), and know each other pretty well, so when she makes observations about me, or my behavior, I tend to listen.  We are quite blunt with each other, and she forces me to explore areas that I normally wouldn't go on my own, which is one of the reasons that I enjoy her so much.  (It doesn't hurt that she's brilliant, cultured, with a sharp wit, and a beautiful face)

Well she said something to me that I had initially not given much attention, until about 30 minutes ago.  Ya see, apparently I mutter to myself.  Many of my friends from college will recall a Marine ROTC friend of mine, BB, who regularly could be heard reminding me that I have no inner monologue.  My roommates in college quickly developed a countermeasure for my rambling which involved the phrase, "Latty! FILTER!"  (Filter in this case was usually a bottle of Labatt Blue but it just as well could have been a fifth of Jack...)   But back then it was a stream-of-consciousness sort of drivel.  I would just end up always stating what I was thinking as if I meant to tell everyone.  It seems that has deteriorated into something much more disturbing and worthy of concern.

Em's observation went something to the tune of, "You mutter to yourself a lot.  It's barely audible, but I think you spend too much time alone because you are having full conversations with yourself."  I likely made some joke about it to ignore addressing some of the boredom I face on a regular basis and the lack of social interaction in my life.  It's not like I live in a cave, but if I'm not at work, or riding, I really am just home alone.  It's an almost monastic life-style of work-ride-sleep that I have unconsciously fallen into.  Physically it's obviously very healthy, but what about the mental aspect?

Her words spring to the forefront of my mind in the last hour when I caught myself walking to my kitchen and talking as if someone else was sitting in my living room.  And I'm not just talking about making some comment to the TV about how unrealistic some scene was in Hawaii Five-O (you climbed straight up an elevator shaft something like 30feet in less than 5 seconds?? I didn't realize Spider-Man was a Hawaiian criminal!)   I'm talking full on addressing a non-existent person, speaking a few sentences (complete with gestures and facial expressions), and then even pausing to "hear" their response in my mind before continuing.  I've heard that imaginary friends are normal for young, developing minds in small children....I've also heard of mentally disturbed individuals who wander about muttering quietly to themselves...

Maybe I need to look for a roommate....I mean after all, that would free up more cash for bike stuff.

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